last day + of school = very emotional for everyone. justin kept telling me to eat and said do you know you can die if you don't eat? like what the f*ck do you not see me eatting infront of you i had a small slice of pizza then a half of a small slice 1 1/2 can soda and chips. so who knows i got this medal from my art teacher i talked w/his wife also i'm gonna miss em' i told mrs. h the truth about my eatting at the end of the day and told her we need to hang out so she said wwell you know how to find me or contact me something like that. but yup today was an emottional day for eveyone.

well,
i thought of this friend and who would lietterly beat me nobody was friends w/her i think she just tried to bring out her anger on me and i hate it it would hurt sooo much when she would do it. i can't stand her i'm in sooo mush pain right now. i don't understand my stomache hurt sooo bad today and now my hip hurts i have'nt been able to walk since school and it's not cool my freakin arm and head hurts right now and it's not cool i can't stand seeing justin anymore it makes me feel so much pain. i don't know what to do.

i got to see him today! i've missed him sooo much i have'nt eatten alot at all today only worht 113.5 cals! do i feel speical but i was reading this on girls in three months she was 154 then dropped to 78 omgosh that is sooo awesome i wish i could loss weight like that but that was two years ago she said and now shes 120 since she went to the hospital and can't loss the weight i feel sooo sorry for her but i know she can do it!

well britt posted this post and i think she might have e-mailed me about it. but she was like ohhhh....i can't defend you on live journal and all this stuff but i never asked her to so and justin was at school yesterday and i was'nt so i aclled he said he would be at school today and was'nt but anyways i have i final i need to go do. i had half a biscut,twix bar,and bit size cookie.

okay,
i had a very stupid eye doctor appointment today! it was'nt fun! so it has been three days since i've been in spanish class. i wonder how i makeup all that work! i had chocolate milk and a donate today so nothing anymore unless my parents force me you know when they don't leave the table and you can't really hide your food and not eat it. so yup it's going to be one of those nights unless i go somewhere and get something not big my mom saw the websites i've had saved under fave. omgosh my mom would not shut -up lets just say shes the one with the poo-face! she took my ana bracelet i tried not to be upset cause i still have my red hairtie so hopefully that will help. i wonder if justin was at school today? he has'nt called and it hurts me inside sooooo much! but there is nothing i can to about it as long as he gets help i should'nt worry. i got a thing in the mail from GJ i was hoping it was my schedule but no it was'nt it was not cool it was a stupid lil' paper about their band! ewwww anyways thats all i have to say for now i need to find my school shirt! for tomorrow are we aloud to not wear uniform?
muah!me

well my paremts saw all the websites i'm in trouble!

well we had a ropes course today. it was at bradly manner. shay kept on talking bout how she hated my shorts mrs.h came and the school principle!grrrrr......some boys there were cute! then when i got back at school we did an egg toss and the egg borke on my foot and everyone was saying of how i murdered a chinken and so justin was like don't listen to them sarah don't listen i felt proud i wanted to scream it cause i was the only one w/self control if you know what i'm takling about.

tomorrow w/ lt and all his classes we are going on a ropes course!that means no spanish for three whole days!since i wont be at school on wend. so just think of all the clas. i can burn tomorrow! so i can lose the weight i gained today and wont eat tomorrow!yes i'll feel skinny and be happy well thats all i have to say.
muah! i'm proud!

well,
it's been i don't know how many hours since i've last ate which i feel good and my mom has''nt hecked my weight yet so i feel happy i think i weigh less than 82 now but i can't check yet! ugh.......i really want to know. my mom said if i lost anyweight then shes bring me to my doctor like he would really say anything!?!?!?! my mom is so..... anyways hmmm.....i everyone says i'm skinny i look sooo fregin' fat! thats why i did'nt go to school yesterday!heeeheeeheee sorry i did'nt feel like it but i can't wait till may 25 to see my counselor and all that.
muah!me

well right before i left to go to school i told my mom i did'nt feel like going to school so then i stormed out of the house to go to my bus and then half way there i decided to come back home so i did i was hanging outside w/my dogs for a while i did'nt want them to leave me! so then i decided to go inside the house after a while then wham my mom sees me and asks what i'm doing i'm like duih i'm not going to school so we were going over that bull junk. so i wonder how school went well my bmi is 16.0 very proud! soon to be almost 15.8 it better but anyways yup that was my day so far i have to go to a dance ;ater on tonight but then if i go my school cunselor will see me she told me not to skip school anymore like whatever i'm sorry today is'nt a fat day! yes it's not a fat day!!!!
muah!me

my parents said they will give my animals away tomorrow i feel soooo down! they mean a great deal to me i am already down for ther reasons i shall not name but that is all i can say for now.
double s.

hmmmm.....today.....not all apealing to me. well today is a fat day.
me

well,
todays a fat day!
i am in sooo much pain! it hurts real bad.i hate fat days they are not fun! feeling disgusting and gross that nobody likes you. my BMI is 16.2 or .1 i feel proud i can't wait til is' 15.8 then lower!!!!!ohhh.....but i hate people saying i'm skinny when they don't know what i feel.
~me

well i heard somthin' bout christian that i'm not going to tell then elle and me had the funnest time ever in art i tried telling the art substitute that i was pregnant so we could see mrs. h then we started painting each other justin did'nt show today we know where he is we know how to contact himm but were not telling anyone. lets just sy he won't be having a fun time whatsoever in the world so we were laughing about him we have to have some kind of humor to make us happy but yup ohhh...and lindsay wrote s.b. and me so i wrote her back
muah!me

well,
i have an update my science teacher is going to GJ i knew it was her. then there are other things but they are'nt to say here cause i don't want others to read. i got called etheopean at school today it made me happy at least that was the only thing

well,
i wrote lindsey a note i found out the truth bout her she has mia as a friend and SI as a friend as well. then today all justin did was go to mrs. h's office cause he needed to speak w/her but she was'nt here today so then at lunch at the end after stacking chairs and lining up he came to me and said i need help i said okay what is it he said he wanted to cut i did'nt know what to do and did'nt know what to say tomorrow he has an appointment w/his therapist and i hope it goes okay i get reaked out everytime and i feel that him talking to me puts me in a big deal of stress. it's awful. but i'm trying to help him
much love,
muah!me double s.

WARNING
....before you make that first cut remember. You will enjoy this. You will find the blood and pain release addictive. Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep and will heal easily ...they will get deeper. They will scar. They will take sometimes months to heal!!! And years for the scars to fade! IF you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body think again...it will spread when you run out of skin. Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame. Even if you are the most honest person ever to live ....you will find yourself lying to the people you love. You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison. You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched.
Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don't know how bad it will be. Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100....Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting ..cutting and covering up cutting And just wait till that first time you cut "too deep." And you freak out because the blood won't stop...and you are gaping....and you feel yourself shaking all over. You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can't tell anyone. So you sit there alone...praying it will be ok swearing you'll never let it go this far again...But you will and further. Don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER. And the better you get at treating your cuts the deeper they get.
You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find youself spending 20 , 30 or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy. You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat everytime you go to the counter to ring up your order. Butterfly strips...3 or four different kinds of dressings...betadine....antibiotic cream..medical tape..scar reducers.....You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things. And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice...someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same supplies...someone who understands but of course that never happens.
Medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend all your money on. Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe...longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands , boots... gloves..the list goes on and on.
You will start looking at everyone in a differnent way...Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI... just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone. You wont even think about it ..as your eyes scan their wrists arms...hoping just hoping they will be like you....But they are not. You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone.
You will start doing a lot of things alone. You will always have to wash your laundry in private so know one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels. You will always be cleaning up the blood..Scrubbing your bathroom floor...wiping the blood of your keyboard....
You won't be able to make it through a day without cutting....Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergancies. When you get really desperate anything will be a cutting tool ...scissors...a car key...a needle ... a paperclip..even a pen. Doesn't matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will find something.
Say goodbye to things you took for granted. Like wearing shorts or sandals...pedicures...sleeveless tops.
A normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you.
Get ready to itch. Beacuase you will itch and itch ..."so much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease."
You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully.. You will dream about cutting...you will dream about being exposed. It will haunt you day and night and take over your life. You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely HATE cutting...at the same time you love it and can not live with out of it.

you have been warned.....

Your Deadly Sins

Sloth: 40%

Greed: 20%

Lust: 20%

Wrath: 20%

Envy: 0%

Gluttony: 0%

Pride: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14%

You will die with your hand down your underwear, watching Star Trek.

well,
i woke up a while ago but the part where you know you can get up cause i've been up for a while now my mom was talking bout my dad he's moving to delray beach so he's going to live w/ family there then once my uncle finishes our house we'll be moving there too! i know my dad old bosses daughter she lives there she younger than me so my dad and old boss will be working together again but the good news is i'll still come and vivsit all my peoples in lakeland i wonder when my uncle will actaully finish our house it's been forever. the dance last night went okay it was very emotional for everyone! and justin kept on asking me for to have s.b. to dance w/him but she did'nt want to and then he saw her dancing w/ christien how eva you spell his name and you could just see that sumthin' was wrong w/him which scared me so i don't know bout monday and seeing him and i don't know bout' moving either i lived in lakeland my whole life i just can't leave same thing w/brenda she's lived in laklenad her whole life too. but who knows. i don't nkow much then my mo saw this thing on lifeteen she thought i wrote it i'm like noooo......but yup thats all can't think much and don't want to
much love,
muah!me

britty and me went to see mrs.h today. she did'nt tell us anything!!!!grrr.....justin told me it's ova i never really liked him in the first place but i always say they should have a chance. so now he wants to go with skinny britty. i don't think she wants to though (i would'nt either)then at the end of the day i was wiating for my buus to come and cory called my name i turned around walked on step and fell right into the poll! it hurt! oh yeah and britty wanted me to eat sum of her pizza and i said no and then she said well i'll throw it on you (always believe britty) she threw it at me!!!! then on hte bus some one had matches out and was having them go off you could smell it so then we were just stitting there i don't know why my bus driver did'nt just go get someone that worked at the school so noone came up to give them to her so we were just sitting there then she said she would call the police so then he gave it to her then 3/4 of the way from droppong everyone off this boy was noticed on our bus it took a while and he sat right across from me whops!so then we delt with that what an aweful day! ohhh....brenda was crying her eyes out today although were not friends anymore i felt sad for her. she is moving to oklahoma! all i can sa for her is that she'll make new friends and it'll probley be good for a change.
much love,
muah!me